mind fur

The old woman looked at the little boy and said in a knowing tone, “the mind is a mysterious badger” and disappeared in a puff of smoke as wrinkly as the old woman.  The little boy had no idea what she was talking about but thought about her words long after.  He concluded that she might have been meaning to draw similarities between the mind’s thirst for knowledge and the badger’s omnivorous appetite and willingness to burrow through anything, even holes in the ground, in order to get a morsel of food.  He thought that his mind was also willing to burrow through anything to get answers to questions or make new discoveries.  He thought about a badger’s fur and wondered if there was a mind fur similar to badger fur and concluded that there was but was unsure of what mind fur might actually be.  He only knew it existed and this ability to know something without proof, he further concluded, must be the mystery the old woman referred to.  The little boy was amazed at this aspect of the nature of reality and badgers and set off on a journey to discover actual evidence of mind fur and to study it and learn its purpose.  His journey took him throughout the world as he thoroughly searched and searched for mind fur.  One day, exhausted from the intensity of his inquisition, he laid down in the grass and ran his fingers through the blades feeling their texture and tickle against his skin and touching the tips of the blades to feel their gentle prick.  He began to feel a familiar sensation coursing through his fingers into hands and through his arms.  He realized it was the feeling of thoughts forming and traveling and informing his body of the new information they carried.  He was astonished that his hand would generate thoughts when he knew that thoughts were the providence of the mind, not the hand or limbs.  He looked closely at his hand as it laid there in the grass and realized that thought stimulators were crawling up the blades of grass and into his fingers causing his hand to generate the thoughts that were now traveling through the entirety of his body.  In the instant he saw this, he knew that he had found the mind fur he had been seeking and he was astonished that it was simply the grass that grew on the earth and that the grass was not just the grass everyone thought it was but rather it was so much more.  It occurred to him that where there was mind fur there must be a mind and he realized that just below the grass he way laying on, there was a mind and that the mind was in all actuality the size of the earth and that the earth was not just a gigantic planet but that it was in fact a gigantic mind as well.  As the thought stimulators continued to crawl through his fingers and generate thoughts, he savored everything that he was thinking of and all the things he was learning and all the additional questions that began to stack up in his mind, where ever that was. 

two nickels

I remember when a nickel meant something. My father used to walk to work and home again just to save a nickel each way. Ten cents a day. I imagine the walk home was longer than on the way in since his work was the hard labor type of work. My mom would tell him to take the bus instead of walking the half hour there and then another half hour home, sometimes in the rain. He would often just say it was worth it to save the money even if it was only a little.  Sundays back then were exciting to me, although, I’m ashamed to admit it wasn’t because it was my dad’s only day off and it wasn’t because of the time he would spend with me. It was because just about every Sunday I got have a root beer. My dad would take me on his regular Sunday trip to the same place where he would buy one beer for himself and a root beer for me. I always sat by him as we drank our drinks but we didn’t talk much. He was quiet and so was I as I didn’t have much experience talking with grown-ups on my own. I never thought much of the sixty cents he would leave to pay for our drinks until years after our ritual had run its course and unceremoniously ended. I really don’t know if my dad needed to save those two nickels a day just so we could have our Sunday drinks but I do know things were scarce. Food was rationed, clothes were mended and luxuries were nonexistent except for one root beer and one beer each week.  Maybe when my dad told my mom it was worth it, maybe he wasn’t referring to money or even the drinks.  And now, despite my heartache for all the things I never said to him as we sat there side by side so many Sundays, I pour over as many details as I can from those moments together and hope it really was worth it for him.  

little creatures

The creatures were never meant to exist but that didn’t matter once he saw them breathe life.  He was just trying to grow stuff and wondered what would happen if he threw a little bit of this and a little bit of that in. Before he went to bed he threw in three red lentils and never thought anything of it again until he got home from work the next day. The lentils seemed to have grown little leg like appendages and were crawling around. He pulled them out and placed them on the table for closer observation. He looked closely and had it not been for what seemed like their intention to avoid his probing fingers, he would never had suspected anything. He looked closer and could see they had small mouths that would gulp for air as they leaned back on what he assumed were their hind leg. Then he realized that maybe they weren’t gulping for air but were hungry for food. The only thing he could think of were bread crumbs. He pulled some out of an old bag and crumbled one into little bits near by the red lentil creatures. They didn’t seem to understand that the crumbs were an offering of food so he started to nudge one over in the direction of the crumbs but he nudged a little too firmly and partially squished the red lentil creature causing about a third or more of its innards to squish over the table top and on his finger. Given that the red lentil creature was the size of a red lentil, a third of innards weren’t much but he could see that the innards consisted of little organs and a biological tissue like substance. It surprised him because he assumed its innards would have simply been lentil mush but the presence of small organs and biological tissue suggested something much more alive than he originally imagined. He looked at the partially smooshed red lentil creature and saw that it seemed to be writhing in pain from having been partially smooshed. His heart immediately sank and he instinctually thought he should put it out of its misery. Without thinking further, he fully smooshed the creature out of existence.  All that was left was a smear of those small organs and more biological tissues. The other two creatures seemed to notice what happened and moved over towards the smear that had been their friend. They seemed to look at the smear and then look up him. Other than their primitive mouths, they didn’t have any facial features but still he could recognize the look of sadness and disappointment on whatever it was they had instead of faces. Their gaze indicted him of his crime. He didn’t mean to do it but nonetheless it happened and he couldn’t rescue his heart from murky pond of guilt it had sunk in even if the night before these creatures had been nothing more that red lentils. 

the pen is mightier than the terrorist

in the heart of the universe

He was just thinking of so many things and so much stuff and he knew somewhere in all that stuff there were secrets and mysteries and he wanted to know so badly what they were. There was so much that was known but he felt there was so much more to know and he was trying to think really hard about what that might be. There came a point where he had thought the hardest he had ever thought before, which thinking he sustained for a moment until he had to relax his mind from the great strain of such hard thinking. The sudden release of his mind from such hard thinking caused his mind to recoil within him sending a reverberation of mindwaves throughout his brain and then his body.  Soon every part of his body had fused together with his mindwaves incorporating his entire organism into his mind creating a supermind that began to emanate from beyond the confines of his body like the glow of the sun through a morning fog. Once unleashed from his body, his supermind instantly perceived invisible forces between himself and his surroundings and between everything that he could notice. His supermind followed those forces from place to place wherever they might lead him keeping him fully conscience of the interconnections created by the forces. Soon his supermind followed a myriad of interconnected forces that lead to an exponentially increasing amount of interconnected forces eventually providing him with a consciousness that subsumed the entire planet and everything on it. From there his supermind began to perceive forces between the Earth and the moon and then the other planets and the sun and even particles of space dust and debris until he was fully aware of the entire solar system and how interrelated he was to everything that existed therein and everything that existed beyond until his supermind had reached the very edges of the universe. He even felt his interconnectedness to the nothingness beyond the universe and dimensions that existed in indescribable places and all the indescribable things that existed within them. He simultaneously perceived everything that could possibly be perceived and all the forces that existed between all that ever was and could be. He understood that there was no beginning or end neither to time and space or even himself or anyone else and that every motion of himself and every person that existed where ever they might exist was a motion that swept across the entirety of the universe and that together their arms in reality reached as far as the comets sweeping through galaxies, their legs were the stars and planets running across the fringes of all existence and their eyes were the black holes with the power to swallow everything that was. With his supermind as super as if ever could be he paused to consider his place amongst all that he witnessed. He looked up to see beyond the sun and past so many stars and planets to realize that everything was in motion and orbiting this way and that but that the singular orbits were within larger orbits and that everything was ultimately traveling through space and time for the same reason circling a central purpose that was at the heart of the universe much like electrons circle the nucleus of an atom. He peered inside the heart and was surprised to find that he recognized what filled the heart of the universe. It was much like the love that sometimes filled his own heart but so much more concentrated, intense and pure that it took on a thick liquid plasma form more molten than all the suns and stars combined. He wasn’t sure but somehow he knew this and knew that this molten plasmic love fueled all the forces between all the things in the universe and that through the amazing complex interconnectedness of everything in the universe the power of this love reached him from so many light years away and it reached everyone else and everything and was the spark of all creation and the purpose of the orbit of everything from the planets circling suns to the thoughts that ran in his mind. As he beheld this revelation it seemed that he heard the soft whisper of someone who said, “remember these things” and with that he felt his supermind begin to retract from the outer reaches of existence and pull into him past the planets and stars and through the atmosphere and from everything on the Earth and lastly from the love at the heart of the universe. When his mind had fully receded and refashioned itself as his normal mind he could feel a reflection of the love that existed in the heart of the universe in his own heart burning like smoldering embers that he nurtured forevermore. 

a devil and a demon

He was born with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other just like everyone else. The devil however was crafty like most devils are and through constant complaints, rationalizations and exploitation of vanities, he would feed the devil to quiet it down. Feeding the devil provided immediate relief from the devil’s assaults but it also made the devil stronger. And seeking such immediate relief deprived the angel of its nourishment of patience and discipline, which, together with other virtues, would have generated within the angel an abundance of love, the only energy in the Universe that could be created and destroyed. The angel would have shared its love with him and such an abundance of love would have given both the angel and the subject power over the devil. Unfortunately, he continually sought immediate relief from the devil’s fits causing the angel to become malnourished. Eventually the angel withered and died.  Without the angel to generate and share love, he could receive no love nor any of the benefits love would have provided. The devil was pleased to see the angel die and knew that his subject would need balance so he called upon a demon to rest upon the other shoulder. With a demon as a counterweight, the devil and the demon could do together what neither of them could do alone which was to destroy all the love that their subject had ever received. Love, being as high in mass as it was, left a terrible emptiness in him once it was all destroyed. The devil knew his subject would want the emptiness filled which the devil and demon did together by filling it with their own excrement. The excrement began to fester inside causing him to grow increasingly foul and uncontrollable, not only by others, but by himself. As the excrement continued to fester he became more loathsome and unbearable, and, his breath began to smell so bad.

destroying mickey

It was a Mickey Mouse mask and he loved it. His mother had bought it for him for the first Halloween he would remember and somehow, his mother’s love and affection seemed intermingled with the pressed plastic that was formed and colored in the likeness of Mickey Mouse. He didn’t quite understand what it was all about but he went along and it turned out to be so exciting and fun. One night, after the sun fell and it was completely dark out, when under normal circumstances he may have gone to bed, his parents instead took him to his best friend’s house. When he got there he found that his best friend also had a similarly pressed plastic and colored mask but one that was in the image of Tweety Bird. Walking in the neighborhood so late at night with so many other masked and costumed children seeking out candy from friendly neighbors and strangers made it seem like all of the normal rules of life that he had learned to that point had suddenly been suspended for this night for no apparent reason other than for the purpose of suspending them. It didn’t make sense but it didn’t have to because it was so much fun. A few days later, he was home and had his mask in his hands. He still loved the mask and cherished the love and affection from his mother that it seemed to possess but he knew that its purpose was specific to the night that had passed. He wasn’t sure where the scissors had come from and whether he had sought them out or if they had just been near and he’s not sure why he began to cut the mask but upon the first slice with the scissors, something came over him. There was something about the feeling when he squeezed his hand and the scissor sliced through the plastic. It was a certain and distinct texture that he could feel in the way the plastic gave way between the scissor’s blades. The plastic was firm to a point but then separated between the blades in a softness that he could feel as if the sensitivity of his fingertips extended to the edge of the scissor’s blades. As he felt the cutting and slicing of the plastic a euphoric glow emanated from the experience in the form of a shape he could feel with his whole body but a shape he could not explain. It felt so unique and new that he continued to apply the scissor’s blades to the mask, slicing and cutting, savoring that texture between the blades, feeling the shape of the glow that emanated from some mystery that he wanted to grasp. To continue feeling the glow and it’s shape he had to keep cutting and slicing even though he knew that at the same time he was destroying the mask and in some way violating what he loved most about it. When the mask was in pieces and the glow had faded he stopped and felt regret fill the space where the glow had been. It was heavy and uncomfortable, weighing him down in yet another new experience that seemed to cast a shadow over everything else. The mask, the magical night, his feelings of excitement all became reminders of what he ultimately did to the mask and the symbol of his mother’s love and affection.